


By the Light of the Lord, Please Deliver Me unto my Sins

by candlesneedflame



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Catholic Guilt, F/M, Guilt, M/M, On Hiatus, Period-Typical Homophobia, Prostitution, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-19 13:53:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14238702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candlesneedflame/pseuds/candlesneedflame
Summary: After discovering that his best friend since the age of six isn't just the charming, skirt chasing, gentlemen he plays in front of the world, Steve Rogers must come to terms with who his friend really is.THIS WORK IS ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Steve heard it, he was appalled. Shocked. Confused.

He had told Bucky he was going to be out until late working on a portrait a woman had commissioned him for after seeing his information in a newspaper ad that Bucky had spent way too much on. It was all the way in Manhattan, but the money made from the commission would be well worth it and for once he'd get to buy things for his best friend instead of it always being the other way around. Bucky constantly worked triple shifts because nobody would hire sickly Steve Rogers and still come home with a smile on his face.

Steve didn't end up staying out as late as expected though. The woman was older, around her mid sixties, and was ill with something. She'd had to go lay down and asked Steve to return the next day. He ended up back in their rat-trap apartment four hours earlier than he'd told Bucky he'd be back.

After almost two years living with Bucky, Steve was used to hearing all sorts of things through the closed bedroom door and paper thin walls. He was used to hearing women moaning out Bucky's name and the sounds of bedsprings creaking and the headboard knocking up against the wall, so when he walked into the apartment and heard the recognizable _thump thump thump_ he just sat on the couch and opened up his sketchbook to work on a few studies of the woman he'd been commissioned to paint. As he sketched, something felt slightly off, but he couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.

That was, until he realized he wasn't hearing Bucky's girl-of-the-week moaning as Bucky murmured sweetly to her; he was hearing /Bucky/ moaning and some other man's nearly inaudible voice was the one offering up sweet nothings.

He was instantly horrified, that emotion only intensified as he heard Bucky's voice stand out above the other ambient sounds of sex.

"Oh, God harder~" Bucky sounded so much more vulnerable than Steve had ever heard before as he gasped out the words between moans that were getting increasingly more desperate with each moment that passed.

Steve felt himself go pale as he continued listening to what was going on fewer than ten feet away behind a flimsy door that didn't even lock. As if someone else was controlling his body, he got up from the couch that he and Bucky had scavenged from a foreclosed building and headed back out of the apartment. He was sure to shut the creaky, old door as silently as he could when he snuck back out.

As soon as Steve got back down to the street he started walking. He'd do a couple laps of the block before going back inside. Give... whatever that had been time to stop before he came back. He'd open the door loudly after stomping up the stairs and dropping his keys, and he'd be sure to announce his return as soon as the door opened. Whoever was with Bucky would have time to sneak out the bedroom window and down the fire escape and Bucky would just come out of his bedroom and smile at Steve and welcome him home.

Steve stuck to his plan and walked around the block twice before climbing loudly (but hesitantly) back up the stairs. His hands were shaking enough that he fumbled with his keys and ended up dropping them three times before he could get the door open. He swung it open with enough force that the door bounced off the wall behind it.

"Bucky, I'm home!" Steve called out, loud and obnoxious, covering the slight falter in his voice with a strategically placed cough.

There was the faint sound of two people scrambling for clothes that were probably tossed all around the tiny shared bedroom, but after less than a minute Bucky came out of the bedroom with clothes on his lean body and a smile on his face.

"Hey Stevie, why're you back so early? Is it cause you missed me?" Bucky teased in the same easy manner he always did.

Steve forced a bit of a smile at the humor, but his mind was elsewhere as he replied.

"Nah, just ain't feelin' too good, jerk. M'gonna go lie down," Steve replied without making eye contact before he headed to their shared bedroom. With what little money they made collectively, they couldn't afford a two bedroom apartment along with the inevitable doctors visits and medicines Steve would need on an almost monthly basis.

He kicked off his shoes before climbing into his bed, the one closest to the wall. He stared blankly at Bucky's bed, trying to ignore the faint smell of sex in the air that was wafting out the window into the cool spring sky.

Steve had walked in on Bucky with girls before. He'd seen his friend fooling around with Shelly on the couch one time and having sex with Ruby another. Steve recalled the way the girls looked with their legs around Bucky's waist and their backs arched gracefully off whatever surface they'd been on. As he took in the rucked up sheets on the bed, Steve couldn't help but picture Bucky arching his well muscled back and wrapping his strong legs around the silhouette of some unknown man.

He had only a vague understanding of how a sex act could work between two men, but just thinking about it made his stomach churn. He was disgusted: with himself for not realizing, with Bucky for being a sodomite. How could he not have realized sooner?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of prostitution, use of slurs referring to lgbtqia+ peeps. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Again, typed on an iPhone with no beta so please forgive any mistakes and point them out so that I can fix them

Steve Rogers had only prayed for Bucky's soul one time in their fifteen years of friendship. After they'd first become friends thanks to Bucky saving Steve's ass in a fight, Sarah Rogers had insisted that her son invite his new friend to come with them to mass on Sunday. When Steve had eagerly invited Bucky the next day at school, Bucky had kindly refused because he was Jewish. That Sunday Steve asked the priest if a Jewish person would be allowed into heaven. When he was given a clear and direct 'no', he'd cried and prayed for Bucky's soul. 

Fifteen years later, Steve found himself praying to save his only friend from damnation once more. He sat in the pews two days later, long after the Wednesday service was over, reciting rosary after rosary to try and save the soul of one James Buchanan Barnes from eternal damnation. 

Steve just couldn't understand why Bucky would do that. He was strong and charming and handsome and outgoing and girls lined up around the block to get a shot at going out on a date with him, but for some reason Bucky had turned to the company of men. Steve couldn't get the noises Bucky had made out of his head and he stopped halfway through his next rosary when he heard that voice again in conjunction with a strong hand on his shoulder. 

"Hey Stevie. I thought somethin' might've been eatin' away at you for the past coupl'a days, but now I know somethings up. Wanna tell me what happened?" Bucky asked with a gentle smile as he sat down in the pews. 

When they were children and Bucky had found out that Steve prayed for his soul, it had been a shit storm. Bucky cut off contact from Steve for an entire week before Steve's resolve wore down and he apologized. After that, the two of them never really talked about their religious differences. In the past years, Bucky had strayed from adhering to many religious beliefs, but he still celebrated Hanukkah with his family and Christmas with Steve. 

Steve was silent for a few seconds as he formed his thoughts into coherent sentences. 

"You've got everything I've always wanted, Buck. You've got a body that ain't actively trying to die on you. You've got charm and wit and looks. You've got dames all over praying to get a shot to go out with you, but that ain't enough for ya," Steve murmured slowly, staring down at his scuffed up shoes. "So I just... I can't understand why you'd– why you'd..." he trailed off, unsure of how to phrase it. 

Bucky was listening with a slight furrow in his brow and a hand on Steve's shoulder rubbing gentle circles just like Sarah had done when they were children and he'd been upset. 

"Why I'd what, Steve?" he prompted gently. 

"I heard you," Steve blurted out suddenly. "Monday when I came back early. I heard you with... You know what you were doing," he hissed through clenched teeth. "You've got everything you could ever want, Buck. Why the hell would you want to let some man do /that/ to you?"

Bucky was as white as a sheet as he listened to Steve confess the burden he'd been carrying. He'd managed to hide it since the age of sixteen when he'd realized there was a boy he'd always want more than any dame he'd ever meet, but now the whole facade was collapsing down around him. 

"Steve, I–"

"You what, Bucky? You didn't mean to? You'd only done it that one time? Tell me," Steve interrupted with harsh words that he spat out like venom. 

"You weren't supposed to find out about it," Bucky murmured, eyes shut tightly. 

He'd first slept with a man when he was seventeen. Steve was sick and Sarah couldn't afford the medication he needed and it looked like he was going to die this time. Bucky had heard from another boy like him that men down by the docks would pay good money to get a boy down on his knees or up against the wall. He was desperate for a way to get money, so he'd gone down to an alley by the docks and chain smoked an entire pack of cigarettes to calm his nerves before a man approached him. The man showed him the money so Bucky followed him back to a sparsely furnished apartment. 

The man had been kind and took things slow and gentle with him and made sure he enjoyed it, and the sex was completely different (and infinitely better) than anything he'd ever done with a dame. That had solidified his suspicions that he was a queer and he swore then and there he'd never let anyone find out. 

"I wasn't supposed to find out about it?! That's all you have to say?" Steve hissed, glaring and moving away from his friend quickly. He was disgusted. He was horrified.

"Are we really going to talk about this here?" Bucky asked, a hint of desperation seeping into his voice. They were in public– in a God damn church for Christ's sake. He was sure that the Lord already knew about his indiscretions, but he didn't want any poor sinner who walked in to hear all about how Bucky Barnes was a queer. 

Steve looked around the empty chapel for a moment before biting his lip and nodding. "Fine. Only because I don't want someone hearing that you're a fag and assuming I'm one too," Steve spat out, surprising both himself and Bucky with the cruelty of that statement. 

Bucky recoiled a little at that, looking more than a little hurt for a second before he closed off the emotions and looked at Steve with a blank expression. "We can talk tomorrow. I have to go to work," he answered simply before turning and leaving the church. He didn't have to go to work, but he didn't want to make Steve uncomfortable by being around him. He lit up a cigarette and let his feet take him on the familiar path to a bar he never took dames out to.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is only my second work ever on ao3 and I plan on adding many more chapters. I was impatient and wrote this at midnight on my iPhone so I didn't send it off to my beta to proofread, so please point out any mistakes! Hopefully all upcoming chapters will be beta'd. Thanks for reading pls leave kudos or comments if you enjoyed, they really help!


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